self-discovery behind my poker face

All it took was someone showing interest in me. At first, he just annoyed me. Always talking to me, wanting to connect with me, appreciating my intellect and complimenting me on what a quality person I am. Not missing an opportunity to meet my eyes and twinkle at me. Imagine the nerve. I was cold, I put him off, I rolled my eyes whenever he complimented me. Despite the fact that I thought he was a lovely person, I was afraid to be nice to him.

I always like the fantasy guy. The guy who is almost assuredly not going to love me back. He's clearly too perfect for someone as ordinary as me. He goes on and on about his travels, what books he's read, how he sees things... without ever even thinking that I might have something interesting to say or might want to talk about the books I've read too. He more often than not, has a girlfriend - which doesn't stop him from forging a connection with me that is dangerously intense, and vaguely cruel.

And yet Fantasy Guy is far safer than the real guys, the ones who like me back and want me to see them for who they are, and don't try to hide their flaws. Because he can't hurt me. Not really, beyond the kind of romantic gushy feeling of unrequited affection, that I've grown quite accustomed to and may even like. Oh, I'm not kidding. I'm seriously twisted. Most of my friends already knew this about me, and were waiting for me to figure it out.

So how did this realization come about? One night earlier this week, feeling sad, defeated and in need of comfort only from those who were going through the same thing... And I found myself looking for him. Seeking him among the crowd. Which could mean only one thing. I might really like this guy. Somehow, over the five weeks since I met him, he's gotten under my skin and waged his campaign to win me over... without me noticing. and he did it. He won me over.

More importantly than whether he likes me or I like him, I've realized what a mizer I am with my heart.  And I don't like it. I am afraid to put myself out there, take a chance, risk real feelings and a real relationship. It doesn't matter who hurt me before or how many times, it only matters what I do now.  Do I allow this to continue or do I say 'No More, young lady! Risk it all, otherwise what's the point in life?!' I can stay in my cocoon but then how do I justify the waste of breath I become?

the answer seems obvious, to me. from now on, I'm all in.

the girl who loves men that don't love her back.

yeah, you know me. I'm the girl who is always in love with someone who doesn't love me back. Love is a spectrum disorder, that attacks in episodes in varying degrees of severity. Symptoms differ from case to case, episode length can vary from months to years. Unrequited love brings with it the sweetest agony that often presents with a case of martyrdom in otherwise healthy individuals. Many of whom will allow an episode to last years longer than necessary, doing untold damage to other parts of the psychic anatomy and preventing healthy relationships to develop.

I've loved you for so long now, that I can't remember when it started. And I don't know how to make it stop. Sometimes it hurts so much, that I cry... which I guess is not that unusual. But nobody has ever caused me to cry like this. LIke, it's actual pain in my chest, and in my heart and the sobs are so powerful that my whole body heaves with them. Last night it occurred to me that I will never find a man for myself that is like you, because there is none like you. When I'm with you I am so comfortable, I feel safe, I feel peaceful; your words and your voice bleed a calm around me that defeats any doubts in any situation.

I try not to love you. It's become a habit now. I try to 'be over you'. But over the years you've become a better man, constantly striving to overcome ghosts and succeeding, it doesn't seem fair to not love you now as you deserve it even more.

Always loving a man who doesn't love you back affects the way you behave with men you don't quite love. It makes you not honour the possibilities, makes you sacrifice your body to lust and impulse. It makes you not love perfectly decent men who might love you. It makes you wonder how you will ever meet someone when no one compares to him.

Unrequited love is the most severe degree in this spectrum disorder, and I've got a bad case. There really doesn't seem to be a cure.

a curse not yet lifted

in a room of 5, 50, 100 people... if you are there you are the one I want to be next to.

...five years ago, I was afflicted by the curse the second time you left my apartment. I begrudgingly let you out of my arms knowing that when I did it would be the last time. As much as you wanted to leave I know you wanted to stay too. If I had tried, I think I could have kept you there a little longer, could have brought you to my bed atleast one more time. to have shared that intimate connection with you started out as a blessing but when it became impossible to keep it, I was doomed. doomed because I knew a new way to love and feel when I was with you, and because I was aware how rare that ecstasy was. doomed, because I didn't really believe I'd find it anywhere else.

so now here I am in the back room of this tavern surrounded by live music, friends, acquaintances and a few attractive men, wanting to meet someone but not bad enough to stop wondering where you are and when you are going to be here.

dear diary,

so JL wants me to join Lavalife. She says that I might not even meet "the right guy" on lavalife, but that I will 'put it out there and tell the Universe that I'm ready to date someone'. I don't know. Maybe I'm not ready to date someone. It's been an awfully long time. I know I wish I had a boyfriend. I wish I had someone to kiss and hug and cuddle with, and you know, have sex with. I wish I had someone to rent videos and curl up on the couch with. i wish there was someone taking me out to fancy restaurants and pubs giving me a reason to wear all those gorgeous dresses that look so good on me. But I don't miss all the drama. When I hear my step-bro complaining about his relationship with his new girl, I usually find myself thinking "thank god I don't have to worry about that." And yet, back when there was BD, someone was challenging me and calling me on my shit, I wished for him to be my boyfriend. We were so close, in some ways he was. Maybe the drama isn't such a bad thing. Figuring out how to work with someone, building a partnership with someone and sort of drawing up the unwritten contract is always so different and so... I don't know, fun. It is fun. Get to know someone else, get to know yourself. Get to know yourself, discover new ways to grow. And of course, expose yourself to another person's point of view, develop a new way to see the world and life around you. Damn. That all sounds really good. That all makes me want a boyfriend. It's been such a long time that I know I'm forgetting all of the bad stuff, but that's okay. Life is good and bad all it once, why would relationships be any different? Okay, Universe. I'm ready to find the perfect boyfriend. So the only question is, what picture should I use as my lavalife profile picture?

October 22, 2007

Just last week, wasn't it? I was going on to anybody who would listen, and some who didn't really, about how happy I was.  How, given my current circumstances, I have no business being happy but still I am!  Just deep down, feeling contented and able to accept whatever came my way as my life knowing that it was a work in progress and that I'm really going places.  Not satisfied, never satisfied with the status quo.  That would make it okay to rest on my laurels and be in this situation indefinitely.  And while I did say I was happy, I would not have been described as comfortable.  Way too many things going on that are just not ideal.


But that's the thing about happiness.  There's a danger in claiming it.  A danger of trying to own it.  And even as you say the words, there's a teeny, tiny, scaredy-cat voice saying "NO! Don't Say it Out Loud!"  Being happy is not an easy equilibrium to maintain, it's tenuous and slippery.  And almost a little bit scary.  So once you say it out loud, staking your claim, that's when it can be taken from you.


And that's really my point.  It was not that long ago.  And nothing particularly has changed.  I believe that it's a function of time, I've been sitting with the situation, powerless to change so much and it's just catching up to me.  I've pinned all of my hopes on February 1, that's when I'll get out.  But without any realistic plan to make it so.  It's too far away, there are too many unknown variables.  At the same time it's not far away enough to leave so many variables unknown.