October 22, 2007

Just last week, wasn't it? I was going on to anybody who would listen, and some who didn't really, about how happy I was.  How, given my current circumstances, I have no business being happy but still I am!  Just deep down, feeling contented and able to accept whatever came my way as my life knowing that it was a work in progress and that I'm really going places.  Not satisfied, never satisfied with the status quo.  That would make it okay to rest on my laurels and be in this situation indefinitely.  And while I did say I was happy, I would not have been described as comfortable.  Way too many things going on that are just not ideal.


But that's the thing about happiness.  There's a danger in claiming it.  A danger of trying to own it.  And even as you say the words, there's a teeny, tiny, scaredy-cat voice saying "NO! Don't Say it Out Loud!"  Being happy is not an easy equilibrium to maintain, it's tenuous and slippery.  And almost a little bit scary.  So once you say it out loud, staking your claim, that's when it can be taken from you.


And that's really my point.  It was not that long ago.  And nothing particularly has changed.  I believe that it's a function of time, I've been sitting with the situation, powerless to change so much and it's just catching up to me.  I've pinned all of my hopes on February 1, that's when I'll get out.  But without any realistic plan to make it so.  It's too far away, there are too many unknown variables.  At the same time it's not far away enough to leave so many variables unknown.