dear diary,

so JL wants me to join Lavalife. She says that I might not even meet "the right guy" on lavalife, but that I will 'put it out there and tell the Universe that I'm ready to date someone'. I don't know. Maybe I'm not ready to date someone. It's been an awfully long time. I know I wish I had a boyfriend. I wish I had someone to kiss and hug and cuddle with, and you know, have sex with. I wish I had someone to rent videos and curl up on the couch with. i wish there was someone taking me out to fancy restaurants and pubs giving me a reason to wear all those gorgeous dresses that look so good on me. But I don't miss all the drama. When I hear my step-bro complaining about his relationship with his new girl, I usually find myself thinking "thank god I don't have to worry about that." And yet, back when there was BD, someone was challenging me and calling me on my shit, I wished for him to be my boyfriend. We were so close, in some ways he was. Maybe the drama isn't such a bad thing. Figuring out how to work with someone, building a partnership with someone and sort of drawing up the unwritten contract is always so different and so... I don't know, fun. It is fun. Get to know someone else, get to know yourself. Get to know yourself, discover new ways to grow. And of course, expose yourself to another person's point of view, develop a new way to see the world and life around you. Damn. That all sounds really good. That all makes me want a boyfriend. It's been such a long time that I know I'm forgetting all of the bad stuff, but that's okay. Life is good and bad all it once, why would relationships be any different? Okay, Universe. I'm ready to find the perfect boyfriend. So the only question is, what picture should I use as my lavalife profile picture?

October 22, 2007

Just last week, wasn't it? I was going on to anybody who would listen, and some who didn't really, about how happy I was.  How, given my current circumstances, I have no business being happy but still I am!  Just deep down, feeling contented and able to accept whatever came my way as my life knowing that it was a work in progress and that I'm really going places.  Not satisfied, never satisfied with the status quo.  That would make it okay to rest on my laurels and be in this situation indefinitely.  And while I did say I was happy, I would not have been described as comfortable.  Way too many things going on that are just not ideal.


But that's the thing about happiness.  There's a danger in claiming it.  A danger of trying to own it.  And even as you say the words, there's a teeny, tiny, scaredy-cat voice saying "NO! Don't Say it Out Loud!"  Being happy is not an easy equilibrium to maintain, it's tenuous and slippery.  And almost a little bit scary.  So once you say it out loud, staking your claim, that's when it can be taken from you.


And that's really my point.  It was not that long ago.  And nothing particularly has changed.  I believe that it's a function of time, I've been sitting with the situation, powerless to change so much and it's just catching up to me.  I've pinned all of my hopes on February 1, that's when I'll get out.  But without any realistic plan to make it so.  It's too far away, there are too many unknown variables.  At the same time it's not far away enough to leave so many variables unknown.